Enjoy one of my stories...

[Wormopolis]

I thoroughly enjoy camping. I try to go camping for every vacation because of how much I enjoy the feeling of nature. I’m not too extreme.. I don’t go backpacking 2 days into the woods where no one can find me. Usually we are about 100 feet from some kind of 4x4 trail so that we gain some seclusion from the more immature occupants of the city.

We usually plan camping trips weeks in advance.. and with as many friends that I grew up with as possible.. like a minor reunion of sorts. We choose the date and start preparing for a weekend getaway.

I however was distracted from my preparation duties, so I found myself at the last minute gathering up everything. On the day I was to leave, I was collecting all my equipment in my room. I had a sleeping bag, my tent, some tarps and rope, some extra jackets, my clothes, and some reading material. I had planned on buying food and libations on the way there.

I started loading everything into my blazer in the morning for my drive north out of Denver. I went out on my porch to get my fairly nice plastic igloo cooler. That is when I noticed the big hole in the side of it. Apparently a squirrel decided that my cooler was hiding something really important and that chewing through the side of it was the best course of action. There wasn’t anything of value in the cooler but those results mean nothing in the mind of a squirrel.

In my frustration over the loss of a perfectly good cooler, I stormed over to my truck, and sped off to the grocery store for my food. Blinded by rage, I forgot the sleeping bags on the foot of my bed. This fact becomes important later.

I went to the Super-Walmart that sells everything on the planet from tires to Tylenol. I bought myself all the food I thought I would care about cooking, juice, soda, beer, snacks, chicken fillets, shrimp, mixed vegetables, and cans of ready-to-eat soup. I like to just cook the soup in the can directly in the fire. I also bought myself a rain poncho in case it snowed, some eye drops for my eyes in case my contacts got all dried out, and a hot water bottle. I had the brilliant idea of boiling water over the fire and filling the hot water bottle so I could use it to keep warm at night by putting in the bottom of my sleeping bag (not realizing at this point I didn’t pack it). I also bought a brand new, squirrel-hole free, igloo cooler.

Completing my shopping, I continued on my journey north. I picked up my friend Ben and away we went. Along the drive at some point, I tested out my Four Wheel Drive and discovered that something was wrong and it wouldn’t work. This was a bad thing because Colorado in February tends to have a lot of snow in the mountains where we camp. Not having 4WD would make the trek up the trails rather perilous.

I drove the hour north to Ft Collins, and then about an hour and a half west into the Rocky Mountains where we had been going for years. I hit the base of the Pingree Park National Park and drove about a half hour up the main dirt road to the base of the trail, and about 15 minutes up the 4WD trail. This last part wasn’t easy with the loss of my 4WD. Having driven this road many times in the past, I remembered several of the tougher spots, but there were occasions where we found ourselves stuck and having to roll back and forth to make it up. I did however forget a rather large washout at the top of the trail, that happened to be under about a foot of water.

"I can make it", I told Ben, assuming it just took some speed.

"You are going to kill us", was his reply.

so I accelerated into the unknown, forging my way through the cold and dark water.

BAM!

Apparently, I forgot the fact that a large tree next to the washout, might have roots stretching across it. I hit a rather large one perpendicular to my path that decided to teach me a lesson. I did however get over the behemoth and continued through the pool.

Ben declared, "You broke your back window."

"No I didn’t, its just dirty", I countered. I looked in my mirror and couldn’t really tell. I stopped the truck and got out to examine it. Sure enough, my back window had shattered and glass was everywhere. Glass was in my equipment, in my grocery bags, even in my brand new cooler somehow. Apparently, one of the cans of soup I so much adored, decided to rocket out of its bag and impact my back window when I hit the root. Not good. Ben was amused however. Shutup Ben.

We got back into the truck and continued about 500 feet to the "meadow". We had found this spot about 8 years previous while exploring the National Park and been coming there ever since. It was difficult to get to, which kept a lot of people away, and it was a beautiful spot. It has a very large open area (about half a football field) at the top of the trail that was good for frisbee or playing catch (also in later years we set off a 750 sparkler bomb we made).

I pulled into the spot we had chosen and where other had already setup. Ben and I exchanged our 'hello's with the group and set about to start making our own camp. Typically everyone sets up their tent within 50 feet of the campfire so at night we don’t have very far to stumble drunk back to our tent.

Ben got all his equipment out of my truck and started his spot first, and I started to unload the back of my truck, everything still covered in glass. The frame that held the window was still attached to the truck itself on hinges and I lifted it up and put it on top of the truck to get it out of the way. I started to pull my tent out of the back when the frame, complete with some remaining glass, decided to teach me a lesson. It came flying down from the top of the truck, chopping me on the back of my hand.

5 minutes into camping and I’m already bleeding. on everything. Blood covers my equipment, my food, my new cooler, and my truck. About 15 minutes later, after a multitude of paper towels and a LOT of swearing, I stopped bleeding. I started to setup my own spot, now not having anything close to a good time. I setup the ground tarp first to prevent moisture from seeping up into the tent, then the tent itself. Then I laid out some insulation pads inside the tent for extra warmth.

Then I went to get my sleeping bag. There is no way to describe the feeling tat washed over me when I discovered that I didn’t have a sleeping bag, in the Colorado Rockies, in February, in the snow. It was going to be a cold, cold night. No one had an extra bag, nor had anyone brought any extra blankets I could borrow for the night. It was going to be awful. I unpacked the cooler out of the truck and setup a chair next to the fire. I tried to have a good time that night drinking with my friends.. but I knew it was going to conclude with sleeping in the refrigerator. The same friends also made sure to remind me frequently about my lack of mental fortitude for forgetting a sleeping bag.

I tried wrapping some extra coats around myself, and the hot water bottle was my salvation, but it was still pretty freaking cold. I found myself shivering a lot.. wishing some gorgeous naked blonde girl was going to come walking out of the woods with a sleeping bag but no tent to put it in, so that I could offer to "share". Alas, no such luck.

The next morning I awoke frozen in the fetal position and VERY cramped. My muscles had shivered through the night and I was pretty sore. I crawled out of the tent and staggered over to the fire. I started to thaw out some.. cooked one of the infamous soups, and had just started having a good time. Then it started snowing.

There are different kinds of snow in Colorado. This snow would be considered the "wet and sticky" kind. Since the jacket I was wearing wasn’t a snow jacket, and was absorbing the moisture, I decided to retrieve the poncho I had purchased the previous day.

For those that don’t know, a poncho is a plastic dtickle like coat that goes over the outside of whatever you are wearing to prevent you from getting wet. I had bought the fancier kind that had a more jacket like top, and a pair of oversize pants. Fate would have it, however, that the coat part had been removed from the package in the store somehow. All I had was the pants part. Not very helpful. Now I was wet, cold, and very angry a the events of my vacation thus far.

I decided to drive all the way back to Ft Collins for supplies. My friend Bob opted to go with me to get some things he forgot as well.

On the way down the trail, and the canyon, it started to snow even harder. It wasn’t going to be a good time returning.. Especially since my 4WD still didn’t work.

We got into town, went to a local Walmart, where I bought some plastic for the back window of my truck, a Sleeping Bag (oh yes), and I grabbed a new poncho off the rack (making sure it was complete this time). I went to the Service desk and laid the receipt I had kept from the first poncho down on the counter. Since it was in my jacket pocket, it was soaked. The clerk looked at it and exclaimed, "Ummm.. your receipt is all wet.". To which I replied, "I know.. this Poncho only had bottoms. not the top. If there was a top. the receipt wouldn’t be wet."

Amused, the clerk went ahead and let me exchange the ponchos so I could have the complete gear. I purchased the other things, as did Bob, duct taped the plastic to my rear window frame, and we left for the return trip to the camping spot.

OF course, on the way back up the trail, we got stuck. After some jumping up and down on the back bumper for traction and a lot more swearing, we made it up.

The rest of the night actually went well. It didn’t snow, no more bleeding, the fire was warm, and the friends were full of mirth. I started cooking some of the shrimp and chicken fillets, filled my tummy with food and beer, told many jokes and stories, reminisced about old times, and eventually staggered off to my tent where my brand new sleeping bag awaited.

Let me tell you that sleeping bag was HEAVEN. I had prepared a hot water bottle again, but I barely needed it since the sleeping bag was so perfect.

The next morning I woke up and didn’t want to exit the bag since I had slept so well, but I finally crawled out. We all broke camp, and cleaned up the camp site (a good camper always does). We all started our drive down the mountain trail in order to make our way home. However, my 4WD had other ideas and at one point on the trail I got stuck. I decided to back down the trail a bit, and try to run up the path again. I started to backup, and before I knew it, I was going too fast. I applied my brakes a bit too hard and that sent me sliding down the trail backwards.... into a tree. If I had a back window still I would have broken.. lucky me.

My friend Pete came to my rescue by hooking a toe rope to my blazer and helping me up the rest of the trail to the main park road. I was embarrassed but relieved to be out of it.

Ben and I started to drive out of the park and on to the canyon road. At this point I realized that my contact lenses were pretty dried out and dirty from campfire and nature. I grabbed the eye drops that I had purchased before the trip and told Ben to grab the wheel while I attempted to re-moisturize my eyes. 1 drop went into my left eye.. and the burning started. My eye felt like it was bleeding fire and I threw the bottle at Ben's feet screaming. Seriously, it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I dug the contact lens out of my eye and placed it in my mouth (to keep it from drying out while I bled fire out of my eye).

I saw a rest stop on the side of the road with my good eye and I pulled over to use the restroom water. Ben, up to this point trying to retain his bemusement, feigned concern for my well being as I struggled to park. Ben has a screwed up sense of humor that way.

I ran to the restroom only to find it was padlocked due to being out of season.. a fact I hadn't thought of. I looked around for anything to help me and saw some snow piled up back by the truck that looked clean. I grabbed a handful and started squeezing it in order to melt it into cold water to flush out my eye. A few minutes of this, along with even more swearing, and I migrated back to my truck.

Ben was waiting with some news.

"It says right here on the box, not to put it directly in your eye."

"Shut the hell up Ben."

Apparently I had grabbed the wrong box from the shelf at Walmart. There are different kinds of contact lens cleaning methods, and I had acquired a bottle of contact lens cleaner composed of muriatic acid. Which should be followed by something called neutralizer. Acid, by the way, is not meant to be put into your eye. All of this was information Ben decided I should be re-informed of as I sat in silence waiting for the pain to dull out.

My eye was swollen now from the pain and the ice water I flushed it with, but I pulled out of the parking spot and continued the drive out of the canyon. I had to keep one eye closed so my depth perception was off, and Ben's new job was to alert me as to my speed so I didn’t get too close to other vehicles or try to take a curve too fast. I also still had my contact lens in my mouth.

We arrived at a gas station where Bob was waiting and Ben proceeded to tell Bob the "eyedrop" portion of the story. Then I waited about 15 minutes for the two of them to finish their laughter. Bob also has a screwed up sense of humor.

We decided to visit a Burger King before we all headed back up to Denver for a meal we didn’t have to cook. Around this time was the introduction of Burger King's new Chicken Whopper. There was a deal running, where if you clucked like a chicken at the register you got 50 cents off the price of the Chicken Whopper. I ordered a Chicken Whopper with cheese, but I refused to cluck like a chicken.

"But sir," said the pimply faced boy behind the counter, "You get 50 cents off!"

"I have just had the worst 48 hours of my life and I refuse to make any animal noises for you, regardless of the prize" I replied.

He gave me the discount anyway and I took my food back to the table where Ben and Bob had sat down. We all started eating and I unwrapped my sandwich only to find out the stupid cashier has neglected to put cheese into the order. Not wanting to take it any further I ate the thing anyway. At some point I put the sandwich down in order to squirt some ketchup packets out on to my tray for my fries. Distracted by this act, and the conversation between Bob and Ben over something probably related to my misfortunes, I failed to notice my sandwich had somehow fallen apart and the chicken part of it had fallen out to the floor.

I went back to my sandwich and noticed its new state of being. I looked down on the floor where my chicken-meat-fillet had landed and blurted out the f-bomb when I looked back up.

"What?" asked Ben.

Ben and Bob both looked at me thinking I had forgotten something back at the site or possibly worse.

"What could possibly be the perfect ending to this weekend guys?" I asked them. They both shrugged. "What if.. while I was getting ketchup for my fries, the meat fell out of my sandwich to the floor?"

Bob and Ben looked down at my feet, then at me , then at each other, and burst out laughing. So loud in fact, that most of burger king decided to stop everything they were doing to look over at our table, where they saw 2 guys laughing so hard they were crying, and a third guy sitting defiantly, muttering a plentitude of swear words and slightly shaking his head side to side. At least the fries were still warm.

This story usually gets retold at every camping trip since, usually with Bob or Ben reminding whoever tells it about the little things that get forgotten or their own personal observations. Since this camping trip, however, I have had nothing but good times.


End.

[۞Quaalude™۞]

I Loved it , You are a Very Good Writer QC

Thank You

[pm]

;D Your writing skills are lacking.. ;D

Great camping trip sounded like it. One where you get home and think I could have done this caramel covered apples here! (back glass too!)

I'm rambling.......

(caramel covered apples here!) ha ha ha lol

[DangerKart]

lmao, thats a great story Worm.


I think my favorite part was the BK part.... I can see you standing there at the counter, with a somewhat beatin and irritated look on your face, your shoulders slumped in a look of defeat, your eye bright red, then to pull together the perfect couple days a pimply 17 year old BK employee looks up at you and... askes you to cluck like a chicken!

I hate the cold, i probably woulda left the first night, February in Colorado with no sleepin bag.

And, Ben and Bob sound like they have a great sense of humor! I'd have been crackin up and making fun too.

[۞Quaalude™۞]

squirrelly want to go Camping - i think it's a Good Read - i seen some type o's that got fixed too - great work - keep it coming QC

[Wormopolis]

Cowbag

I drive a lot for work. Before I moved to Vegas, I used to live in Little Rock, Arkansas and had to drive all over the place. To St Louis, to Kansas City, Okalhoma City, Minneapolis, Dallas, Shreveport, Louisiana..

Since moving to Vegas, all of my theatres I service are in Vegas, except 2 that are in Phoenix, Arizona.

This is the story of one of those drives.

I had been talking to a girl named Stephanie on the phone a lot and told her I was on my way to Phoenix to do some work and wanted to meet her for Dinner. Its a 5 hour drive to Phoenix, and before I found the current route I take, I used to drive to Flagstaff and head south on I-17. I-17 is a fairly straight interstate at times, but there are many parts that are curvy through the Arizona mountains between Flagstaff and Phoenix, and then some fun little "hills" that entertain you as you drive 75 MPH.

I called Stephanie to let her know my ETA, and because I was getting bored with driving kept talking to her to keep myself awake (I have issues with falling asleep at the wheel). We were talking about little things when I came over one of the "fun" hills when I saw what appeared to be a dead cow lying in the middle of the road. It was mostly in my lane but partially in the right lane as well.

Now.. I have been in quite a few accidents.. I have even hit a semi that ran a stop sign across a highway and slamming into the side of the trailer where the landing gear is. I have been in a post-tornado rainstorm where all the cars were suddenly stopped on the interstate and what I mistook for cars slowing down was in fact completely stopped cars. I have been in ice accidents, fallen asleep at the wheel a few times, been on a dirt road that suddenly became a T-intersection while I was still going 40, and I have had a "final destination" moment when a dump truck full of boulders spilled its contents on the road and I hit one before I could get out of the way. I have never gotten scared. I grip the steering wheel, remain focused in case I have a chance to swerve, and put my head down and flex my arms before impact.

the cowbag terrified me.

At 75 MPH, hitting a carcass would undoubtedly cause my vehicle to go airborne. To my left was basically a sheer drop down into a canyon. To my right and just behind me was another vehicle who probably couldnt see the cow through me. changing lanes wasnt an option because even getting over the driver side would still hit the cow. there was no real shoulder on the left wide enough for me to get around. I was still on the phone with Steph when I saw the cow and I said really loudly into the phone: "Oh caramel covered apples! there is something on the road". And then I threw the phone down into my lap, hanging up on her, and grabbed the wheel. I said before that in situations like this I have never been scared. this was the first time I did. I actually saw images fly through my head of all the things I have done or never got to do. A real revelation moment. And then I hit the cow.

When in a panic mode, your mind has a tendency to discount all logical reasonings, and go with whatever seems to comfort you the most. When I hit the cow, it exploded into a bunch of garbage. The cow was filled with garbage. That was my favored explanation and I immediately accepted it as true. Garbage flew up and over my truck, into the right lane on the car behind me, into the canyon. Everywhere.

Apparently, at high speeds and low light conditions, if you take 2 big white bags of garbage, and put them into 2 bigger black bags, and they fall off a truck just enough to tear holes to look like a spotted cow, it oddly looks like a spotted cow.

I drove another minute trying to figure out if I was still alive and why anyone would fill a cow with garbage. My hands released their death grip on the steering wheel, and I made my way over to the right shoulder. I sat for a few moments, to calm down, and I got out of my truck to examine the front.

A bunch of cups, food, newpapers, etc.. were plastered all over my grill, and a white and black "skin" was wrapped around my front axle. I got out a utility knife and cut it free. I started laughing at the preposterous concept of a cow filled with garbage when it dawned on me.. Stephanie.

I jumped back in the truck and found my phone on the passenger floor. I called her back and she was sorta freaked out. After her many questions as to what happened and if I was okay, I finally got her laughing along with me at the idea of the "cowbag".

and No.. I didnt get a "thank god your alive" makeout session (in case you were wondering).

[pm]

Cowbag... ha ha ha!

Be careful dude!

[iNsPiRe]

Haha. (Oh caramel covered apples, theres something in the road!!)

Awesome story. A hilarious one actually.
I havent read the first but I will be sure to get to it after this one. haha

[JJ]

Thank you so much for some belly laughs. You are a terrific story teller. There were many parts I enjoyed, but I think I liked the Walmart exchange and the wet receipt the best. I would have loved to have been in line behind you.

[Wormopolis]

not entirely sure.. but I think The Walmart guy and the Burger King guy were related...

[Wormopolis]

Open apology to Meghan.

I first met Meghan while working at Meadows 12 movie theatre in Denver. Meghan was the type of girl who was all sweet and innocent.. and therefore just ripe for torture in my opinion.

here is a list of some of the things I have done to Meghan since I have known her:

- Meghan once told me that she had kissed another assistant manager for New Years Eve. I decided to embelish the story and say she made out with him. This caused her great embarrassment because she really didnt like him that much. In order to take it one step further, I wrote an email addressed to all of the theatres in the district (most of the managers knew her and the guy), but I didnt send it. I instead moved it from the Drafts folder to the Sent Items folder. I told Meghan I sent an email to everyone and she didnt believe me. I told her to check the sent items folder. This sent Meghan into panic mode. I then stifled my laughter as she called another theatre to tell them not to believe the email. The other theatre had no idea what she was talking about.

-One of the supervisors had got it into his head he wanted to do the ultimate scare on someone. He purchased a Scream costume (an american horror movie - google it) and a fake rubber knife. He had been trying for weeks to find te perfect opportunity to jump out on someone. So I set it up.... on Meghan. There were a few of us working on a movie promotion for some independant film called "whisper" where we were basically making a life size paper-mache elephant (well half of it anyways). At one point we all took a break and I told Derek to get into costume and hide behind the elephant. I went outside because I couldn't contain myself anymore and wanted to get a good view. We were building the elephant at the end of a long exit hllway that had glass doors at the end of it. I went outside and could see down the hallway Derek had taken his place. Meghan was the first to return to the project and as soon as she picked up a paintbrush, Derek stood up with his rubber knife. Meghan screamed so loud I could hear her out side down the 50 ft hallway. She then proceeded to run away from Derek who "lumbered" after her into the lobby... where she fainted. Thats right. literally screamed in the middle of the lobby once more and then fainted. The customers that happened to witness this thought it ws some publicity stunt. Derek fell down while chasing after her because he was laughing so hard he couldnt see out the mask anymore. I had ran over to the theatre entrance glass doors just in time to see Meghan pass out, then Derek fall down. This resulted in me laughing so hard I almost passed out from lack of breath. The customers outside didnt know what to think.

-At one point, right before a manager meeting, I dialed Meghan's cell phone... from the fax machine. The machine kept calling her repeatedly during the meeting and screaming its binary hatred into her ear when she answered. She didnt recognize the number and would loudly exclaim into the phone how stupid whoever was faxing her was for not giving up. It took every ounce of will power to not burst out laughing everytime her phone rang. She eventually figured out it was me. I think she stopped talking to me for a few days after that one.

- This wasnt a prank on Meghan, but on our mutual friend Rachel. One of our staff had a... "strange" brother who came to the theatre a lot to try to see free movies. We will call him "Ryan's brother". I am not sure why I did it, but I told Rachel he had a HUGE crush on her. Simultaneously, I told Ryan's brother that Rachel's grandmother had recently died and she was really sad and could use some cheering up. So Ryan's brother started bringing her gifts like flowers and telling her how pretty he thought she was. I think he eventually kinda DID develop a crush on her and Rachel did everything she could to spurn his advances. I have never revealed that before and am probably going to hell for it.

- Meghan had a HUGE love for all things Disney. Occasionally I would do a fairly good mickey mouse impression and say disturbing things to her. Once during a birthday party for about 15 kids, I was leading them on a tour throught the projection booth when Meghan walked out of the office. I told all the kids to do their best mickey mouse impressions and tell Meghan how much they loved her. Meghan's response was "I hate you Miller". (that was heard a lot from her actually)

- At one point I transferred to another theatre, but I was relentless. If I found out that meghan was working I would call the theatre and tell the box person to Radio Meghan that some guy named Mickey was asking for her and if there were any good Elephant movies playing.

- At one point all the UA theatres were on the same network and you could gain access (if you knew how) to other theatres computers.. and printers. When I knew she was working I would try to figure out when she would be in the office and send random document to her theatre's printer. At one point I found an image of Mickey Mouse on a mousetrap and put the words "I miss you so much Meghan it hurts" on the bottom of it and sent it to her printer. 30 seconds later she called my theatre to say "I hate you Miller".

- When a new theatre opened in town I transferred to it as the booth manager and meghan transferred to it as the first assistant. Oh yes. back together again! among some of the smaller less memorable pranks, the ultimate prank occured. There was no planning.. it just happened on the spur of the moment. I had no idea where she was at the time, and I was up in the booth. I simply said over the radios: "Meghan.. you shouldn't be lifting heavy objects in your condition". That's right. I went there. Every person with a radio heard me say it. That started a whisper campaign that Meghan had a bun in the oven. soon every member of staff absolutely believed it. Meghan tried to dispel it.. but no one believed her innocence. She even HELPED the rumour by trying to tell people it was mine.. but no one truly bought it. When she left the theatre business to try her hand at a different occupation, everyone thought it was for maternity leave. When she would visit the theatre months later, people would STILL ask her if she had that baby. She still hates me for that one.

- On Meghan's last day I decided I had to get one last prank.. a final farewell. The Fandango people had recently been to the theatre for a promotion thing, and had brought boxes of fridge magnets for the box office people to give out to the customers. I stole a box. With the help of a few others, we covered her car, bumper to bumper, with the magnets. Anything metal was covered. The Fandango people actually heard about it and a rep came by to see the progress. Meghan spent about half an hour taking some of them off but eventually just drove home with most of her car still covered. people would stare at her as she drove next to them on the road thinking it was on purpose. good times.

There are probably a few more I forgot to mention, and if anyone reading this who knows Meghan and I wants to make an account to contribute, please do.

to Meghan: Thank you for the memories.. and I'm sorry. Not regretful.. but sorry.

[pm]

Damn Miller! Meghan must have been a good sport to put up with All That! ;D

[Wormopolis]

coming soon... The 2 times I was strangled.

[dante]

lmao worm couldnt stop laughing at the 1st story worst luck ever

[Wormopolis]

you havent seen the strangle stories. I will one day type those up